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Post by jason (mitsubishi L200) on Jul 29, 2007 21:19:42 GMT
i usually am the joke  so true ;D na ,,, phil is naturally funny,, when you meet him you will see, just leave your car door undone for ten seconds,,,he will be the one that magically appears on the passenger seat ;D |
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Post by nerys on Jul 29, 2007 21:41:43 GMT
cant wait to meet him, he makes me laugh just by lookin at him 'in a nice way i mean' he is so funny with the things he comes out with bless him. big  for phil xxxx |
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Post by nerys on Aug 10, 2007 12:27:18 GMT
THE DENTIST
A guy goes to the dentist.
the dentist says, "You 69'nd with your wife last night, didn't ya!"
the guy says, "jeez doc, does my breath stink?"
doc says, "No."
"Is there hair on my teeth?"
He says, "No. There's sh*t on your nose!"
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Post by nerys on Aug 10, 2007 12:59:19 GMT
theres a man on the beach with no arms and legs 3 ladies come up 2 him the 1st lady says have u ever been hugged, he said no so she gives him a hug the 2nd lady comes up 2 him and said have u ever been kissed, he said no so she gives him a kiss the 3rd lady comes up 2 him and says have u ever been f**k*d he said no feeling sad! she said! well u will be when the tide comes in  |
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Post by nerys on Aug 26, 2007 20:32:00 GMT
A dog, a cat, and a p*nis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The p*nis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
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Post by terryrob on Aug 26, 2007 21:21:06 GMT
The Chinese delivery man.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer
when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is
confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling,
"You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is
standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to
yell
louder,
"You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him,
"Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in
his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,
the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He
thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
"You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the
little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the
wrong man, I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face
again
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the
same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose,
shouting,
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time
Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his
shirt front and yells at him:
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the
wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man
looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(It's a beauty)
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
"You not Nissan Main Deala?"
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Post by terryrob on Aug 26, 2007 22:06:07 GMT
You girls will like this one
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man Of Your House."
He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
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Post by terryrob on Aug 26, 2007 22:15:47 GMT
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated
from a difficult
four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse
appears to give
him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls
back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the
other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes
a close look
and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but,
listen very, very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
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Post by jason (mitsubishi L200) on Aug 26, 2007 23:26:35 GMT
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Post by terryrob on Aug 27, 2007 22:55:58 GMT
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and commit my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car........
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Post by nerys on Oct 23, 2007 18:29:13 GMT
THE LIFE OF AN EGG
==================
So you think your life is bad?
Just think how bad the life of the egg is....
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard, 2 minutes to get soft.
You have to share a box with 11 other guys.
And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother!
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Post by spikester18 on Nov 23, 2007 16:02:43 GMT
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
(You'll love this)
God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
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for phil xxxx
